Falcon Punch!

I had to ask. I didn’t like who I was with you. It was like there’s this barrier I couldn’t get over. Now that it’s off my chest, I can finally be myself again. I feel better. I am better. I don’t have to hide who I am or worry about embarrassing myself. I am over the wall now. I’m moving on.

http://www.gurupop.net/event/promotion.gre.php?event=8&code=67757275706f7032323538

And help me by spreading the link~

I woke up after an hour of sleep. I’m so fucking sad. I’m stressed and everything is happening at the wrong time and I couldn’t handle all of it and just broke down crying. I hate crying. It doesn’t feel good and it doesn’t make me feel better afterwards.

For the past couple of weeks, my mom was in the hospital. She barely got out and I’ve been so happy. I tried my best to take care of her. I do all the cleaning, all the cooking, all the chores. That’s on top of work all shifts at the shop, school two hours away from home, and leaving the state for my chess tournaments. Its not a bit tiring because all I can think about is her and what she needs to be healthy and happy. It doesn’t come to mind as a bother at all. It’s just, at night.. I struggle sleeping as is but with my worries of her at mind, I don’t sleep at all. It’s not just my worries.. I’m scared. I’m so, so scared of what could have and what could happen to her. I’m so scared of losing her. It’s driving me up the walls.

The girl of my dreams likes me. The girl I like actually likes me. That has never happened before. And talking to her is the only thing that’s keeping me sane with all my problems. But I’m not in the right place in life to do anything about it and now.. I don’t know. It seems like she’s already moved on and I’m stuck here, still drowning in thoughts of her. I know I’m not the greatest catch and I don’t have much to offer, but I just wish things would go my way. If I still have a chance, that is. If not, I wonder how long I’ll regret something that I couldn’t control?

Life just hit me really hard. With all these emotions happening all at once, I couldn’t handle it. I broke down.

I’m not as strong as everyone think I am. The worst part about being strong is no one ever ask what’s wrong or if you’re okay.

http://onomonophea.tumblr.com/post/6996748285/day-fourteen

It was here when I tried to explain how my mind has worked while growing up.

I never expect for the one’s I fall for to ever share the same feelings as me. My feelings had wandered and found her but I pushed her away to keep what I already had. I tried my hardest to protect the feelings for someone that didn’t return it the way she did.

Now I’m sitting here with an opportunity I had strongly believed didn’t exist and I don’t know what to do. I’m scared to go for it because I’m just a phase to her. She’ll get over me eventually but will I ever get over this chance? Never have my crush ever fallen for me the same way I fell for them. I’ve been holding onto these feelings for awhile but I’m sure hers will wander elsewhere at some point. Then we wouldn’t be the same, right? I actually want to keep her in my life. She makes me smile unconditionally and that is so rare for me. I don’t want to lose that. I’m getting to the point of wishing she had never told me she likes me. I would have been okay going on with life believing this kind of love didn’t exist for me. Another reason why I’m scared is.. My affection is very.. Well, it takes some time to get use to. The way I show I care, I mean. I’m not one to put it out there on blast. I just don’t know how to do this, all this.. Relationship business. I don’t know any better and I’m scared that will mess me, or rather yet, mess us up.

You have to be patient with me.

My mom has been in the hospital for a little over a week now. They say she’ll be out in a day or two and I haven’t been able to sleep since then. I’m not even tired, I’m just worried.

I’m scared. 

Even though it was five months, it was so unimportant to me by this point that I don’t even remember the exact date that it happened. The feeling was mutual. To be honest, I’m happier this way. I feel so free. My feelings were there and I gave it to her. I might have not done the best I could do but neither did she. No regrets. My feelings wandered while we were together because she never paid any attention to me while others gave me what seemed like their everything. It was only then when she tried to keep me in check. She was quite the jealous type, an angry one at that. So I always tried to stay true and push them aside to make her my all. I simply wish she would have done the same. But after going on for so long like that, I stopped praying and trying to make miracles happen. I just wanted it to be over.

I was always there for you when you need me. When you have hard times, I sat there and I listened. It’s those moments that made me feel special because you came to me. Me. It’s when we’re actually talking and I felt closer to you. I knew it wasn’t right anymore when I started hoping for the worse to come. It felt wrong being with you when I had to sit and wait for something bad to happen in your life to get your attention. Nothing changed when I try to talk to you about our problems. You wouldn’t listen. You didn’t even try to hear me out. You just put if off as if you knew what our issue was and promise you’ll fix it. I tried so hard, so damn hard to make us work but you could hardly care less.

I got tired of the lies, the broken promises, but most of all, I got tired of your excuses.

I miss that unconditional smile, that sudden chill down my spine, that flutter in my stomach, that thrill in my squeal every time I think about you.. Not this constant sighing,  this ache to my chest, these butterflies eating me from the inside out, and this frightful feeling of you leaving me..

I’m scared and you’re doing nothing to assure me everything’s going to be okay.

I’m gay.

A lesbian, if you will.

I knew it from the time I first started school. I had a mad crush on a little Hispanic girl with dark black curls and a dimpled smile. I didn’t know it wasn’t normal until a few years later; when a girl whom shared the same feelings was murdered for returning my affection. It was then I realized the hate our world dwells in. The older I get, the more I see; the more I understand; the worse it becomes. I had to grow up among many others of which hate me for who I am, many includes my own family and friends. I’ve been beat, tortured at some point, bullied often, harassed just as much, and threatened countless times. How hard of a challenge I had to face didn’t matter because by the end of the day, I knew I am still alive and the pain is proof I’m living rather than just existing. I don’t complain how life is unfair or how I have it harder than others because I don’t believe I do. I’m stronger than most, hard head and stubborn, too much pride in myself to let silly hate crimes get to me. I’m not going to let them win against me. I know not everyone takes their problems the same way I do; not everyone handle it the same way I do. Whether it was suicide or an act of violence, there are many people who aren’t as fortunate as myself; people who die for who they are. It’s sad to say I’ve grown used to these types of ignorance and arrogance. I am used to the hate society has for me. I’m used to it, but I’m still scared. I’m not openly gay because I’m scared.

December 24th, 2011.

All four tires of my mother’s car was slashed; the car I currently drive. The slashes spell out the word FAGGOT.

FA - G - G - OT.

December 25th, 2011.

The front window of my actual car was smashed and keyed on all the sides are the words, “You fucking faggot. Go die. Burn in Hell. Eat my dick. Gay. Gay. Faggot.” Oh, and a poorly draw penis on the roof of my car.

Still, I had a very good holiday. I was really happy. Sure, I only opened one gift and didn’t even get to keep it but you had to have been there to see all the kids faces. Their smiles, they’re worth so much more than everything I had to pay to get the cars fixed. This was a really great Christmas. Though, it could have been better if my whole family was there. Still, it was good with what we have.

Happy holidays everyone! May you all have a wonderful new years!

Three months and you tell me you’re bored of me. We haven’t really talk since we started dating. Before we started going out, you told me you would teach me what it means to be in a relationship and how it’s suppose to feel. I let you treat me the way you do because I’m used to it. This is how I’ve always known what being with someone is. I’ll always be the one to send good morning and good night. We don’t need to talk, I just want you to know I’m there for you if you ever need me. You never need me. You’re like every other person I’ve ever been with. I thought you would be different because you said you would be different. Why are you still with me, or.. Better yet, why am I still with you?

I don’t know any better.